I'm Not Yelling! You're Yelling!
- lesliecochrane99
- Apr 10, 2023
- 3 min read
How to Stop the Cycle of Anger and Yelling
Did You Know by Leslie Cochrane, LPC at cochranecounseling.com
Don't you hate it when someone calls you out for yelling, especially when you have been trying so hard to stop? You have been yelling at your kids or your partner or your friend ( basically whoever pushes your triggers), then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror - who is that monster! Oh the feelings of shame and guilt that follow! Then sometimes you resolve that you are just bad and that your parents were right, so you give up for a while.
You go to church so that you can find help for your rage. The pastor is preaching about being kind to others and reads a verse from the Bible - "But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. Matthew 15:18". That sounds like you are a bad person, just like your parents told you, so you feel hopeless. Everyone at church seems so quiet and calm, you can't imagine that they ever have the flood of anger that you feel.
Don't give up on yourself, you can learn to tame that monster of anger inside of you. As odd as it may sound, you can actually use your brain to reduce your rage. You can teach your brain new habits to respond to triggers. The first step is to acknowledge your emotions, all of them, and notice them from their beginning to their end. Then you watch out for triggers that make you feel angry. After you know your triggers, you will know when you can use the 3 following skills to reduce your rage response.
Begin with the simplest skill which is a controlled breathing skill. This physical behavior will calm the lower part of your brain when you practice it. Put one hand on your chest and place the other hand on your stomach just below your belly button. Breathe slowly in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Exhale longer than you inhale. Inhale 4 seconds and exhale 6 seconds, and count silently while you breathe. When you exhale longer than you inhale it will down regulate your nervous system.
The second skill is also a physical behavior. It begins with thinking about your physical posture and how you feel when you sit with a safe friend versus how you stand when you feel threatened. With the safe friend you are in a vulnerable, comfortable position and your brain is calm. When you feel threatened you are likely standing stiffly and at the ready to protect yourself and your brain is on alert. When you are triggered and you want to yell, change your physical posture to the vulnerable position for 3 minutes, keeping your head lower than or equal to the other person helps. The vulnerable position activates a different neural network and decreases your anger response. For example, if your young child is pushing your trigger get down at their eye level and stay there for 3 minutes to activate your brain's calming network.
After you have mastered the first two skills this last one will be easy to accomplish, as the first two will give you better awareness of your emotions and an understanding of when your anger is in the beginning phase. As your anger is beginning, ask yourself the following questions: Am I hungry? Am I just angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired?. HALT is a good acronym to remember when you are getting in touch with your needs. If you have an unmet need such as food, rest, a cry, or a hug then do something to meet that need before it changes to anger/rage. If you aren't sure what is making you angry then talk with someone who can help you to figure that out. Your brain will develop new pathways to handle the needs and emotions when you practice new behaviors, and in time it will decrease the anger response. You can change your behaviors!
